For me, growing up really fast like this is the real world shit. Knowing that I’m getting older day by day into an adult is something I can’t even process at once. How come it does happen so fast! Fast like this. Knowing that I’m getting wrinkles on my face on each passing birthday, is not actually a joy for me.
Long story short, I do really hate growing up. I can’t believe myself that I’m adulting this fast.
It hurts. It really does. Ten years ago I was thinking of how to grow big soon and making my way to the university so that I would be so free and all. And I made my way to the university several years later, but not so freely and happily. When I started my first semester there doing assignments, presentations plus difficult exam papers shed some light on me that it was just the beginning of the hard life. The hard life which lies ahead of me. But I was still happy thinking that I don’t want to do a job and earn some and I got my friends by side. Who cares about exams as long as you can have your fun with your kind of friends.
Three years passed and we graduated. We all were looking for good jobs frantically as ever. We got relationships complicated than the current global issues. We got problems in families and at work. Started some other degrees because we know that what we have at the moment is not really enough. We got shit and started working towards that.
Whatever problems we have, how many sleepless nights we spent, how much we have cried alone at silent nights – none of them can’t stop we going to work the following day. We get obligations. Duties. And complications. We have to have money. To spend, to smile and to live. That became the philosophy. Life gets harder. Much harder. I might wish thousand times to go back to the past, where I got no issues and life was just simple and smiles. To have friends and books around me. I would do anything for that.
Adulting is a growing pain. It kills me every second reminding me of the heaps of shits that I have to deal with each day. It is not an amusement or an excitement. It is just a pain only. A pain that pierces my deep heart’s core.
If I knew that all the dedications I did for myself has been paving its way for a life like this, I would definitely find a magic pill and stop growing up. I feel pressure. I feel tensed. And at times life is so much overwhelming and I can’t take it all. I feel alone even if I get thousands to talk. May be because I get my own issues and dealing with them on my own. And now I know what real world shit feels like.
I can remember some lyrics of a song which I used to hum before five years ago or so. I was free then. I was growing up then. I had sunshine and rain with my parents by side. How ironical, that it makes much sense today;
” give me some sunshine – give me some rain
give me another chance – I wanna grow up once again”
But I don’t want to grow up anymore. I want to stop growing up. I want to be that little girl who used to sleep in mom’s embrace and holds dad’s hand when crossing roads. I miss everything that connects to my teenage life. I miss my parents. I miss my beautiful friends. I miss school and university and all the fun talks. I miss my life back. When will I ever be able to have it back?